rolling with it

I find it so challenging to "roll with it". I get so caught up in my plans and what I want that any change or flexibility itself is something that throws me off. It's an area of weakness for me, something I've identified as a main reason that I become bitchy. So, I'm trying to losen-up, and give things up. It has to happen daily for me. A main reason that parenting has been so personally challenging for me is because now I must give up some of my "needs" to allow for my kids "needs" (and husband's too). This is hard!
So, why do I say this today? The story follows...
We started out this morning even though I wondered if the kids could handle it, but I pushed on. The kids, after all, were excited. We reached the corner and were waiting to flag down a taxi when Stewart decided to start peeling paint of the gate. I asked him not to, but he didn't acknowledge and then proceeded to eat the paint (or at least appear like he was eating the paint as I later found out). "We'll have to go later.", I said calmly and walked back to the guest house. Stewart threw a fit and began crying, a sure sign of the need for rest and not outing. We all took naps.
It was hardto give this up. I was trying TOO hard to make it work on my terms. Once I let it go (and after the kids rested) this realization occurred to me, Selfishness is always there. It's the same thing I'm always talking to Marshall about too, saying, "It's not all about you Marshall". I'm seeing that it can't always be my way and that in order to get along, I must see their needs and then roll with it. I factored into this trip a lot of "hanging-out" and down time, and am so happy when I see them playing their Leapsters whenever we're back at the room. This is their need right now, their way to rest and be familiar and good at something.
Later, we went to Colonial Quito, strolled about, took a little carriage ride around and went in an old gold-leafed church and watched the candles burn down. We ate a weak "seco de gallina" at a hole -in-the wall joint which Marshall called "fancy". A friendly kid approached Stewart and sprayed him with some foam stuff (smells like soap and cologne that kids spray along with water during this season of "Carnival"). Stewart cried but then came around when I bought him and Marshall some and they could defend themselves proudly. They plan a big fight with it tomorrow.
We taxied our way to "El Panecillo". It is a statue of the virgin of Quito and she sits on hill that looks over the city. The view is splendid. It seems like the city has doubled since I was here. It is sprawl, on every lot of hill or mountain they have built up. The city so vertical, sitting in a narrow valley that runs north to south, I suppose they had no other alternative.
Marshall seemed intriqued by the snake at the virgin's feet and how she has him chained. We were talkingabout its symbloism. He asked about the virgin and if she was higher than her son. I said that I didn't think so. He said, "but she is his mother." Then we got blue cotton candy and went on our way.

Friendly Birthday Nigel & other shots

Picture one: Have you been making friends? yes! The kids light up people's faces. They see we look different too, and maybe they're smiling about that (with our sun hats, backpacks and attributes that are not accessory driven.)
Here Nigel and Stewart make friends at the ball pit. Nigel and Stewart tend to be timid, but not with other kids. Marshall is usually friendly and met a boy at the ball pit who he said was his best friend in Ecuador, his name was Juan.
Picture two: How do you get around? We get around... today by bus, yesterday by taxi, the day before by stroller. For me there is anxiety when it comes to getting somewhere, because there is so much organizing to do. Do we have water bottles filled? Are your things in your pack? How about a rain coat? Me? I've got to have diapers, sunscreen, snacks, water, money and lip gloss at the very least.
Today, our bus ride was crazy. There were no seats and as soon as we got on, the driver bolted out. I told the kids to hit the floor, "Just sit down now and hold on!" Some lovely ladies took our situation into account and decided to scrunch so we could have their seats. The ride was all emergency brake, let someone on, bolt away. Marshall and Stewart loved it! I was nervous and trying not to let it seep out. Nigel was tired and wanted to nurse. No room for that here so crying ensued. He fell asleep shortly after crying despite the careening bus situation.
The next step... bus with kids, travel pack and stroller.
Picture three: How we've been sleeping? fine, together works great for us! I sleep on either side of Nigel, depending.

Pululahua and El Mitad del Mundo

Today we went to see one of the few inhabited volcanic craters in the world- at Puluhua. The fresh breeze that rose out of the crater was beautiful, as well as the view. There is a mud path that you can take down but it was partially washed out because of all the rain.

We visited the Equator too, which is an entire attraction, with several museums, shops and restaurants even though the real Equitorial line is a little ways away. You could guess that Ecuadodr is named after the Equator.

Besides eating their first Ecuadorian empanada, the highlight was playing in the amazing kids park.

miscellaneous shots

Picture one: the kids and I sitting in front of the senior lockers at the Alliance Academy ( the K-12 school of my youth). I left half way through my junior year, did not graduate with my class.

Picture two: the kids walking down the path on the side of the dorm, where I lived when I was one, in 4th grade and in high school. I remember running up and down this lane with my dog, Toby and riding my bike up and down here and thinking it was scary because it was so steep and bumpy.

Picture three: the kids and I happened upon a board that I think used to be a part of a huge crate. It has my dads name stenciled on it. The crates are how we sent the things to Ecuador that we needed for each 4 year term. Packing the unpacking the crates was a big deal. It used to take months to get them out of customs after they had been shipped by boat . By the time we got them it seemed like Christmas. We finally had our toys and plates and photographs and other useful junk.

Picture four: It is sunny today, Nigel's birthday so we spent a good part of the morning chilling on the roof of the garage, watching the planes fly into the city. I never noticed that planes go only one direction here, always flying northward.

a long day

We are here!
We had such fun traveling together, except for the Miami airport when they almost didn't give us boarding passes because we had to eat before we found the gate, when Stewart decided to ride the people mover in a very creative and dangerous way and had decided not to listen, and during the last flight when Nigel was deliriously tired and wante d to jump and climb everything. For the last flight, four hours was our max, taking into consideration that we had been on two other flights and in transit all day.
We were greeted by Kelly and Daryl and a bouquet of roses- a warm surprise on a chilly night.
Two beds were pushed together for our sleep situation, which was perfect because Stewart and Nigel were quite uncomfortable with being in a new place and being so exhausted. Nigel puked in the night and Stewart pooped! We got up way too early.
I wanted to go slow to see everything, not wanting to be disappointed by my memories, and wanting to see things fully and when I was ready. Quito is dreary today, which makes me feel sad. I cannot see any mountains, except Pichincha, which is hard to see because of the buildings above ours that block the view.
The dorm looks just as I remembered it. It's great to be here!

"Going to Ecuador... Why?"

Our family is going to Ecuador because I need to think about my childhood memories, expose the kids to another aspect of our world, and share an adventure. I need Mike to see the places that were mine for the first 17 years of my life, and understand my "other" home.
For 17 years I have envisioned the mountains and longed to breathe my Ecuadorian experience again. I left with a weight of bitterness on my shoulders, which has diffused into a deep sadness.
"Why take the kids?", some have asked. We are grabbing the opportunity to share the wide world with them. As we remember the vividness of our childhood experiences we realize how rich this could be for them.
"It will be so difficult with kids!" YEAH, it will and I'm definitely nervous! On the other hand, it seems like we are coming out of a place of difficulty which has strengthened us, so we're going for it.
Don't you think the challenge of exploration and risk is enlightening?
We leave in the morning!

relinquishing control

This strange thing is happening at my house. We are relinquishing control!
TV? Okay.
Candy? Okay.
Batman Lego video game? Yes.
Eat again? Okay.
M&M's? Okay.
Watch this, mom! Sure.
The dictatorship is being overthrown by the dictators themselves.
How can it feel equally strange, gentle and powerful?

I can see now that this change has been coming for years. Primarily, I have been shocked at the bitchiness that's in me, and exhausted by the battles being fought in our "house of love".
"How did this happen? This isn't me!", I said so many times with sadness and dismay.

The expedition began sometime back, winding along our attempts to parent wisely, and our failings.
Our emotional lives seemed to implode a few times leading us to new thinking about who we were. These dramas came out of hiding and into relevancy as we searched for new meaning as parents. Slowly, Mike and I learned that we wanted something different for ourselves and our kids. It was a slow shift, lined with other major changes and loads of personal issues.

Reading the thoughts of John Holt, Charlotte Mason, John Taylor Gatto, Alfie Khon, Rebeca Wild, and others have helped us see the new road before us. Natural family learning and discovery is the basis of our control relinquishment. At first, more questions than answers flooded our minds. We decided we would try it (let the children learn freely as they experience for themselves, including self-regulated learning). After all, what could be worse than the battles we were having and feeling like we were being mean all the time.

My experience so far has been terribly difficult and personal for me. I am realizing how control-oriented I am, mostly for reasons like; wanting to be seen as a good mom, or because that's how things were done when I was a child, or simply because life is easier for the leader in a controlled environment. It is strange how relinquishing these controls is nearly paralyzing for me. I don't know what to do or how to react in most situations. I'm realizing that maybe having all that control gave me a sense of accomplishment or meaning.

I was inspired by Sarah Parent of www.werhumansbeing.wordpress.com to "let go", welcome asking myself the question, "why not?" and to say "yes!" more. In one or more of her podcasts, she suggests that when you release control, the pendulum will swing in the opposite direction and eventually the children will begin self-regulating and figuring out for themselves what is best. We're curious to find out.

NOTA: We are on a path that is unique to us, thus we advocate only finding your own way in love.
NOTA NUMERO DOS: The photograph above encapsulates how I've felt for sometime. Mike is actually most the laid back and "nice" one in our family.