Saturday, July 28, 2007

goodmorning for 10 months

"Happy Birthday Uncle Mut", "Merry Christmas", "Happy Thanksgiving Uncle Mut", "Happy New Year", "Happy 2008", etc. We went through the whole year of celebrations in the car yesterday when we dropped of Matt's car at the storage garage.
Today, after a family brunch, a rest and a long game of Uno, we took some photos and said our goodbyes. I told Matt that this house will seem so void of the laughs my kids produce when he is around, so lonely without his company, and just so strange. After five weeks of being together, of having four hands, eyes, and ears instead of two, things will be quite different. It's not that I haven't been here before, but now I have all these fears about getting through each day. I question if I can. And did I grow to rely on Matt too much?
I told my brother that I dislike who I am with kids. I feel so ragged and tired 90% of the time. I simply hate being bossy. "Discipline" just comes out sounding so mean and bossy. And even if it doesn't sound mean, I feel mean inside. I would love to just be cool and nice all the time, but parenting three little boys isn't like that (for me at least).
Sometimes, I wish I could be the me before kids. But would I really? It's difficult and messy, but parenting (and age) has broadened who I am. So, here's the order, God... the me before kids, but with kids and the wisdom that having kids has brought... oh yeah, and the pre-pregnancy body (not that I was so happy with it then). Thanks!
So, how weird is this? That even with the degree of difficulty and messiness, I love my work. And, it is the most enlightening job that I could have. It has challenged me to look at the shadows and holes that I have (and sometimes, I look at the good stuff too). So, cancel the order, I do actually like who I am becoming. And it is fun sometimes.
I'm rambling, so I'll say goodnight now.
And, goodmorning for 10 months, brother. You are celebrated!

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