Monday, December 3, 2007

i'm halfway to being a single parent

Mike has been working so much lately to prepare for a big trial. I've had a quasi-single-parent experience.
I have not enjoyed it... at all.
It has made me realize how much I rely on him to be home at a certain time. After dinner he and the boys usually wrestle or play chase and then he usually handles Stewart and Marshall's bedtime routine while I get Nigel ready for sleep. It's all on me these days. And then the weekends... I have missed having the freedom to work on my art or on other projects. I have missed having a substantial break from being alone with the kids. To have a partner in this endeavor is a huge gift, not to be underestimated.
I'm extremely frustrated that his work has taken precedence over mine, but, yes, his work pays the bills and he has to build up his professional experiences. Mike has been stressed by this trial but I've seen him excited about work for the first time in, well, forever. It's great but there's a tinge of jealousy when I see him leave excited. He gets to go out, do something he's enjoying, that he's good at AND get paid for it.
All the while, I'm wilting. Actually, I wilted after day one, and now, I feel more like I'm pulverized. My kids are upside down, and this mother's emotional life feels like a Jackson Pollock painting. I have to stay in, do something I thought I loved but now feel like I hate, that I don't feel like I'm good at AND NOT get paid.
I'm tired and I want to work.


Jen said...

I dont think I would survive as a single parent...I just dont. Hang in there my friend, all trials come to an end. Your not getting paid, but what you're doing is incredible valuable!
Love ya,

Uncle Mut said...

You're an EXCELLENT mother!!!! I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged and tired, but don't believe those lies about your failings. You do a fabulous job in raising those three princes!
I'm praying for you.
Love you tons and wish I could be there to help.

rvree said...

I am amazed by what you do and by the grace and creativity with which you do it. Even when you feel like things are disintegrating, I still think you're doing great. Your stretched-thin self is in my heart and prayers.

cardiphonia said...

ditto to all of the above! just think...we're enjoying your wonderful art in LONDON! You're a certified international artist. that's seriously cool.