Saturday, September 1, 2007

let me be honest

Yesterday was a bad day. I want to be honest about who I was… I was a super impatient, overly emotional and angry mother yesterday. And since I’m being honest, it wasn’t just yesterday, although yesterday was the worst.
I called Mike at work in tears.
I lost patience with Marshall and I yelled at him. He was wanting to get his shoes on and had looked around downstairs but refused to go upstairs because he said he didn’t want to be alone. We kept talking about it and I kept saying, “You’ll just be up there for a minute”, and, “You’ll just be alone for a minute.” He was not thinking rationally. He was emotional and needy and I was making dinner and wouldn’t consider being gracious about it. Then, he started crying and I told him to go in the other room if he was going to cry about it. He got angry at me and said that I was stupid. I got angry with him and I yelled at him. And I was not kind… at all.
So then while he was sitting in time-out I had to go say sorry to him. And I cried. I don’t want to yell at anyone. Why did I loose it? Poor kid, how can he process my erratic behavior? I cannot even make it make sense.
Up till that point in the day, everything was fine. But after that, I simply couldn’t get a hold on my emotions and I just felt like the biggest failure. I guess it helped to get out of the house for Josie’s birthday party at the park. But I couldn’t really talk to anybody about it because I was too busy keeping Stewart from running-off (which he did three times and thought it was hilarious) and attending to some thorns that got stuck in Marshall’s foot.
When we arrived home, Mike took over the kids and I had some therapy in preparing dinner alone (without 20million questions or having to get anyone juice or administering time-outs for bad behavior). I even got to cry a bit (AGAIN) when I chopped the onions! I got to think about what was going on with me. And I determined that there is a lot going on with me. Mostly that I am stressed.
I am stressed about all the things that need my attention (work, house, laundry, home-stay student, bills, etc), and about all the unknowns in home schooling Marshall that starts next week. I don’t want to fail. I hear so many people questioning me about it and in that I hear that they doubt that I can or that I should do it. My head knows that it’s not that big of a deal (it’s only one year, only kindergarten, etc.).
On the other hand, my emotions are on a rollercoaster ride. I’m up so many times every day. I am ecstatic about my art (the ideas and plans of it fill my head night and day) and I am so in love with my Nigel (who can do no wrong and is so beautiful and I have moments of amazement with Marshall and Stewart (when they are not fighting or demanding too much that I can bare). And all those highs mixed with all the lows make me feel out of control. AND, on top of that, I’m still not getting a full night sleep!
From my world… being honest about where I am now, and longing to say that everything is fine.

1 comment:

Uncle Mut said...

I'm sorry that you're stressed. It might not help when you're in that "place" of stress, but you should know that you're human. You can't BE perfect. Give yourself some room to fail every once in a while, OK? I know this because I am always having to remind myself the same thing.
I continue to pray for you every day.
LOVE the picture! Explain it, though. Is it a cloud? Even though I love it, I don't understand it. : )
Love you! M